Why don’t we speak up? Why are we afraid of communication, especially in our work? The answer is simple: It is because we are afraid. The fears that exist within us are basically a function to protect ourselves. However, it is important to remember that fear does not exist outside ourselves, rather it is our own mental musings. In this article we explain the fear of communication and ways to overcome it.
The birth of fears
Our perception of reality leads to our fears, which whether based in reality or not are real to us. These fears drive the feelings we experience that reinforce those same fears.
In the context of communication, many fear to hold difficult conversations. This happens because we allow our assessment of what might happen to dictate whether we will speak up or not. As a result, when we do speak up, we often project onto others what we think they feel and believe, without any evidence whatsoever, other than what we believe.
However, these fears seem very real to us, and they drive what we say in our communication with others.
What makes us sustain these pessimistic scenarios, is that we support them by actually sticking to a story that fuels these scenarios.
As a result, sometimes we have to push ourselves and overcome our fear of having a difficult or awkward conversation. An important fact to consider is that not only employees have the fear of communication at work. According to a study by Interact Studio and Harris Poll:
69% of managers say there is something about their role as a leader that makes them uncomfortable communicating with their employees
The anxiety that communication comes with also results in high costs:
- Lost Feedback: Avoiding communication leads to missing opportunities for improvement.
- Lost context and insights: There are many things a team member may miss out on if the manager is afraid to talk with them. This prevents the team from sharing key insights.
- Morale, and turnover: Managers are the main point of contact between an employee and a company. If that relationship is poor, the employees could somewhere else, where they feel more valued.
Addressing communication anxiety
1. Build rapport
People you feel a connection with are easier to talk to and more receptive to your feedback. This is often forgotten in the workplace.
Building rapport, however, does not mean that you have to be best friends with everyone at work. Building rapport just shows an interest in coworkers, enough to get to know them beyond a job title and work tasks.
In order to start building a relationship with a coworker, there are several questions to help you get started:
- What motivates you to come to work each day?
- What’s your favorite part of working here?
- If they have children: What are their names, or hobbies.
- What do you like to do in your free time?
- What did you do for fun in the past that you do not do now?
- Where did you grow up?
This effort will automatically make communication easier.
2. One on one conversations
One of the most common challenges workers have is that there is not enough time. The everyday lists and tasks are always greater than what they can actually get done.
For this reason, one on ones are very valuable. One on ones are a recurring habit that act as a small talk for all kinds of topics. They are often the only time to do any of the following:
- Talk about career development.
- Give feedback to improve another worker’s performance.
- Ask their team for their feedback and input.
- Check in how cowrkers are doing as well as their work satisfaction.
Reading about one on ones you may think that it sounds pretty similar to rapport. You are right. One on ones are basically the foundation upon which rapport is built. They are the first step to build trust and connection, just by discussing these simple, everyday topics.
What is more, the recurring nature of one on ones make them easier and thus make rapport easier. Once you have them a few times, they will eventually get easier, and you might even find yourself looking forward to those small talks, rather than avoiding communication overall.
3. Lead by example
Communication often goes hand in hand with leadership, and leadership is a skill that can be taught. How many times we see an outgoing, talkative person, and we immediately think of them as leaders? Make no mistake, one of the hardest things about leadership is overcoming your fears. And communication can be a great one.
Jerry Seinfeld, one of the most famous comedians worldwide, has made a famous line about the fear of speaking. He said:
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy
Nevertheless, once you overcome this fear, you become a role model. This means that when you show courage and speak about a problem that has been troubling you at work, you set the example for others to overcome their fears, and start speaking out as well.
When something is hard, challenging, or even intimidating at work, that is the time to lead and speak out your problems. It is possible that other workers will also have the same problem, or even better you will give them the courage to speak for their problems. This will not create chaos, but rather it will lead to a discussion to resolve those problems so that everyone is happy in their working environment.
As for managers, if they see that employees do not, or are afraid to communicate and have tough conversations, you have to point out the importance of communicating their problems. This will be reinforced if the manager leads by example and does the same.
